


I'll Bite Down On Your Soul And Never Let Go

by ObliqueOptimism



Series: I'll Dance Til I Die [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Gen, Ghost Empath Klaus, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, M/M, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Unreliable Narrator, doesn't realize they've been injured
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:21:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22273213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliqueOptimism/pseuds/ObliqueOptimism
Summary: Klaus now knew he was good, but sometimes (sometimes) he was still bad. But he was trying.
Relationships: Dave/Klaus Hargreeves
Series: I'll Dance Til I Die [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602607
Comments: 41
Kudos: 496
Collections: Klaus Hargreeves, Numerous OTPS Infinite Fandoms





	I'll Bite Down On Your Soul And Never Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> the sequel no one asked for. you for sure need to read the first one for this one to make sense. but i hope you like it. as always all the thanks to remus who has to deal with me screaming at them about this as i write it
> 
> my first fill for my bad things happen bingo: doesn't realize they've been injured

He needed a drink, but also He Needed a Drink. Klaus was on his way to do just that when Grace came up from behind and wrapped her arms around him, holding him loosely yet still. He sighed contently. 

See? He could be a good boy still. 

He watched as his old companion, the alcoholic ghost from his childhood, went up to the bar.

Of course, no matter how good Klaus was, he was always tinged with bad. He’d spent years being bad. He still wanted a drink. A recovering alcoholic and drug addict was still an alcoholic and a drug addict. 

But now, with Grace holding him, he could stop himself. There wasn’t an Overwhelming Urge. He turned in her grasp and hugged her back. “Thanks, mom,” he whispered to her.

He was Sober now. All his old Friends had come to say hi.

It was hard, staying himself. Mind, it was easier now than as a child; for now he didn’t have to try and be quiet, didn’t have to stand still per Reginald. No, now when They came for him, he could walk away, he could move and hope that They didn’t catch up. 

It worked.

Sometimes.

But They never stopped coming. 

Reaching out, going towards him, chase him down like a dog, like a bad boy who needed punished. To unmake him like They always had.

It was unfair.

He was a good boy. He knew this now. He helped stop the apocalypse. He had a boyfriend. He was sober now. 

Please god let him stay good this time. Don’t let him do bad things anymore. Please forgive him for his past actions, he just wanted to be good.

It was hard sometimes, to know when he was awake. To know when he was doing things for real (he was a real boy) or if he was in a dream. If he was asleep and They Touched him he’d dream of what They Wanted to do. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself as well in the dreams. He’d Hurt himself, he’d Hurt his family if it was a Bad One. But usually Dave Held him when he slept, he dreamt of Love, Caring, Domestic Life. 

He liked it when Dave was around to help Protect his dreams.

But sometimes it wasn’t that way, sometimes he had bad dreams because of Them. He could control himself less, and he’d have to try and pick up clues to see if he was dreaming or not. Did this feel real? Was he being a real boy? (He was a real boy now.) Or an imaginary boy? 

It was confusing.

He’d have to pinch himself to check sometimes. Multiple times. The bruise never went away, always dark, always angry, always ready for another pinch.

He’d checked before he Grabbed the Knife. 

Real boys got to Play with Knives, right?

He was Walking. He Had to See what would happen when Cut Himself. Knife in hand, he Had to go somewhere Alone. He Wanted to See the blood, Feel the blood. 

“You don’t want to do this,” Ben said, standing in front of him, causing him to Stop. 

“I don’t?” Klaus was unsure. Didn’t he Want to?

Dave now, next to Ben, Worried, “ _You_ don’t want to.”

He turned, seeing the Sneaky Ghost. Klaus hadn’t even realized he wasn’t himself. He shook his head, trying to figure it out. The Want was still there. The Ghost had Killed himself. Saw the blood. Klaus stepped away, towards the Two who Wouldn’t--

The Two who Loved him.

Dave reached out but didn’t Touch, “It’s okay, Sunshine. You did good.”

He did good.

Klaus smiled warmly at Dave. 

They were now Looking out for him, Keeping him Safe. Helping him more than anyone ever had. They weren’t turning their backs on him.

Dave never had and Ben Understood now. 

It was _nice_.

“Why do you have a knife?” Diego asked slowly. He’d snuck up like the Ghost had. Klaus turned, Diego looked worried.

Klaus dodged around the Ghost, touching Diego’s arm and pulled it, depositing the knife to him. He would know how to dispose of it. Diego and knives where like Klaus and Ghosts. One and the same. “Take this, Di. Keep it safe.” Away from him. Away from the Ghost.

Diego did some magic and the knife was out of his hand, his hand now touching Klaus, gripping tight. “Did you do anything?”

Klaus blinked slowly, unsure what Diego was asking about. All he’d done so far was Take the knife. He shook his head, “No, We didn’t do anything. Not yet.”

Diego didn’t seem to like that answer.

Oopsie.

He plastered on a carefree smile, “Let’s watch a movie? Eat some popcorn? Without salt or butter for your stupid temple.” He gestured to Diego’s body in a stilted movement, his hand still in his brother’s grip. 

They watched Brother Bear, a movie about spirits and dead brothers. It was fitting. Diego split the popcorn up and melted some of Five’s marshmallows (“ _Ooh, you’ll get in trouble!”_ ), adding the warm marshmallows over the popcorn before handing that bowl to Klaus.

It was surprisingly good.

Maybe Diego was looking out for him too, just like Dave and Ben.

But he needed to look out for himself too. He shouldn’t rely on others to keep him himself. Surely he could do that?

So when he was talking to Luther and Allison at the kitchen table and some Ghosts came in, Making Direct Eye Contact, coming closer, Klaus hoped he muttered sound apologies before he skedaddled. 

He had to leave the room. They knew that, right? The conversation had been fine, but They were Coming and he had to go now thank you goodbye he’s sorry. He’s so sorry. He knew they were in the middle of a conversation, Allison saying _something_ , but They were here so he couldn’t be here too.

“Sorry, I can’t be here anymore.”

Out he went.

Neither group followed. Not the Ghosts and not his siblings.

Maybe the conversation hadn’t been as nice as he thought, or he’d been annoying them like he usually did, now they were glad he left.

His siblings could have told him, he would’ve understood. Just tell him they can’t handle any more of him at the time, but they will be able to deal with him again later. But now? He’s too much. He would’ve left before the Ghosts showed up. 

He often wished he could get away from himself, he understood. 

The only way he could get away from himself were drugs (he’s Sober now) or from Them (but he’s still himself, he’s just Them). Neither an ideal way.

Maybe he should try and take up meditation?

Sometimes Dave Reached out to him, some of those times he Touched Klaus as if he was Alive again. Other times he went Through Klaus, because Dave is Dead like Ben is, like They Are. Always Dead. When Dave Is Dead and goes Through Klaus he quickly jumps back. And while Klaus doesn’t like not being himself, Dave’s Emotions are okay. He can deal with a split second of Love for Himself. It’s a novel feeling. 

Plus he knows Dave doesn’t mean to. 

Ben Never Reaches out anymore.

No, a lie.

Ben has Reached out.

But that’s when Someone is already him. When one of Them is there and he’s not himself. When They Want to Burn things, Dance, Play, Draw, Destroy his room, Destroy himself and while he can say no and not do the things They Want, when They are There and They Want it he Wants it too. 

He does draw the line when They want to Harm his Family. 

He knows not to do that. He always has. (Not even in his dreams does he Hurt them.)

Because he’s a good boy, right?

When They want to Hurt, Kill, Destroy his family, their rooms, their stuff, their house. He doesn’t. He gets away, he instead does what they want to do to his family to himself. Get the Feelings out, work through Their Feelings. He can take it. He’ll continue to keep his family safe from Them.

He was always good at paying the price.

But Ben would Reach out, so many Emotions at once, a Reset inside Klaus. The Other would get Mad and turn away, Ben would then step back and be Sorry. 

It was acceptable.

Klaus understood. Ben was trying to Help.

Later he was doing his Magic and Dave could Touch him without Being him and they were together and they were panting together, kissing, so close it was a miracle that Dave wasn’t Going Through Him. But then Klaus did something-- he had to have, it was his fault, _always_ , and Dave was on the other side of the bed, Worried, Carring, Anguished.

“It’s okay Sunshine, it’s just me,” Dave whispered, Hoping To Help.

Klaus blinked. He'd been bad again? A flashback during sex, to when-- a time when-- the touch, the noise, something--

He was a bad boy, causing Dave Pain. 

“No, no, no,” Dave was next to him again, not reaching out, Worried the Magic left and not wanting to Harm More. “You aren’t a bad boy, Klaus. You are so good, remember? _Such a good boy._ ”

Klaus nodded, breathing slowing down. He hadn’t realized it had picked up until it got back to normal. “A good boy?” His voice was small, shaking in fear.

“A very good boy,” Dave said Lovingly. 

He was Dave’s very good boy.

He wasn’t a bad boy. Not anymore. Not often anyway. But sometimes it was hard to tell when he was being a bad boy.

When They were him, when They Wanted to do something, it usually sounded fun. He knew it was because he was under Their spell, Their Magic, making him agree to decisions that made him bad. He could tell when They Wanted to go too far.

_Couldn’t he?_

He told himself he could, which was why he wasn’t too bothered, the gas stove on, flames high, his hand poised over it. Feeling the heat.

Another childhood Friend. She Liked fire. She had been burnt up she Liked it so much. Her Skin cracked and peeled when She moved, but Klaus never held it against her. They were giggling together, his hand getting Nice and Warm. Maybe he could Touch the fire, like she Wanted him to. Just for a second, just to see what it was like--

Hands grabbed him, pulled him away. 

Oh no, _he was bad again_ , wasn’t he?

Diego held GOOD BYE and looked his hand over for burns. His skin was red, it ached. 

“Jesus Christ, Klaus,” Diego sounded upset.

Why? It wasn’t _his_ hand.

She shook her head as Diego turned the stove off, then she wandered out of the room, leaving Klaus to deal with Diego on his own.

He could’ve used Her to help back him up that it was a Good Idea.

Diego drug him to the kitchen table and sat him down, pacing back and forth.

Klaus shrunk down, he was bad. He’d done bad again. He was supposed to be getting better but he wasn’t, he was still bad. He was bad and stupid and needed watched like a child because he got confused and he didn’t know in the moment that he was being bad. 

The fire had been Fun. It danced for him and kissed his skin.

Diego eventually sat down next to Klaus, “What’s going on with you? Talk to me, bro.”

Klaus shrugged and stared at his inflamed skin, “Nothing really.”

Diego sighed, “I know you’re still sober, I’ve seen you fucked up enough to know the difference, but Klaus you gotta-- you gotta stop trying to hurt yourself.”

“I’m not trying to hurt myself, Di. But sometimes it’s like this: We thought the fire would be Fun,” Klaus mumbled, feeling like he was in trouble for being bad.

Diego frowned, “How badly did you burn yourself?”

“I didn’t, no blisters,” Klaus held up his hand for inspection.

“It’s still a burn, Klaus,” he grabbed a towel and wetted it before gently wrapping it around Klaus’s hand. It was odd, how gentle he was being. It was as if Klaus hadn’t been bad. When he was bad, he should be punished but Diego was being nice.

It was very confusing.

“Now that I know you didn’t injure yourself worse--”

“But I’m not injured. Not really.”

“--you’re coming with me,” Diego pulled Klaus up and started walking him out of the room. 

“Where are we going?” Klaus asked. At first he thought Diego was going to take him to the infirmary for the not real burn but they weren’t going there.

Then they ran into Five on their way to _wherever_. 

“Five,” Diego said, making them pause, “family meeting. Gather the rest.”

Five glanced at the wet rag around Klaus’s hand, the one that he wasn’t dragging him by. He gave a knowing nod, “Of course.”

He blinked away.

“Diego--?” Klaus started, wondering what this was about. Why would Diego call a meeting so suddenly.

“It’s okay, Klaus,” Diego’s tone was as gentle as the grip he had on him. Which wasn’t much of a grip, he was obviously just trying to herd Klaus and not do any harm to him.

Then Ben showed up, “Five just told Luther there is a meeting?”

“Yeah,” Klaus agreed as he let Diego sit him down on a sofa. “I don’t know why though, he won’t tell me.”

Diego eyed Klaus thoughtfully, but kept a hand on him, moving it in a soothing manner.

It was weird.

Vanya got to the meeting next, she eyed the two living, her eyes paused at Klaus’s hand.

“Sunshine,” Dave’s voice from behind him. “What’d you do?”

Klaus shrugged, “Nothing. Diego’s just panicking over nothing.”

Diego scoffed and rolled his eyes.

Luther showed up. “Ben beat you here,” Klaus waggled his eyebrows, trying to brighten the mood some. 

He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong, why there was a meeting. But it seemed like it would be about him. Where they going to tell him how much of a bad boy he was? (He already knew.)

Five and Allison came in together, Five came and sat on the other side of Klaus after hovering over him for a bit. There was no doubt that this meeting was about Klaus.

And everyone knew it.

He pulled his limbs all up onto the sofa and wrapped his arms around his legs. Not that making himself a smaller target would help, but it couldn’t hurt either. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Allison asked.

Klaus shrugged, “I don’t know. _I was bad?_ ”

“Klaus,” Diego said slowly, clearly thinking of what he wanted to say. “The other day I caught you with a knife, today you were getting ready to burn your hand.” Klaus ignored the other’s reactions and looked down at his toes. They needed repainted. “When I asked you about this stuff you said _we_ and not _I_. You’d said ‘we thought the fire would be fun’.”

Klaus nodded in agreement, “We Thought the fire was pretty.”

Diego paused, “Who is _we_?” 

“Me and the Ghosts,” Klaus answered. He then realized where Diego was taking this. Much like Grace had when he was a child, he was thinking Klaus had Dissociative Identity Disorder. “Are you-- I don’t have DID, Di.”

“The fuck is DID?” Diego muttered.

“When you have multiple personalities. I also don’t have Bipolar Disorder, if you were going to move to that next. None of the mental illnesses you were wondering about. You can ask mom if you don’t believe me. I just-- _I have Ghosts_.” Klaus thought he’d cut to the chase. He figured out what the meeting was about now. 

“What does that mean? You have ghosts?” Luther questioned.

Klaus glanced at Ben and Dave. They both gave him encouraging smiles. They were Proud. “It means I have Ghosts. I don’t-- I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“You’re sober now but you’re acting weirder than usual,” Luther started. “The other day you left when Allison was in the middle of a sentence.”

“Well yeah? I had to get away from Them,” Klaus said. “I told you, didn’t I?”

“You muttered something about being sorry.”

Klaus gestured, the wet rag was on the sofa next to him now, his red GOOD BYE looking angry, “See? That was me telling you.”

Diego cursed, grabbed GOOD BYE and put the rag back on it. 

“I’m fine. It’s not a real burn,” Klaus told him again.

“That is a real burn,” Five said. “Just like you have all these real cuts on you. And a real big bruise on your thigh.”

Klaus shrugged, “No, because see-- We did those so they aren’t real. It’s not like someone else did them to me. So they don’t matter. They’re not real. I’m not a real boy when I get them so they don’t count.”

Dave was Distraught by this news, Ben was Resigned. The others were-- most weren’t meeting his eyes. 

“What do you mean you aren’t real?” Vanya asked quietly.

“I’m not me. _Therefore not real_. You know how it is, right? Because when I’m Them I’m no longer real. And it hurts sometimes but there isn’t anything that can be done about it.”

Ben got down in front of Klaus, “You remember how I didn’t know about the ghosts?” He was being Calm. 

“Yeah?” Klaus noted that everyone was staring at the space in front of him. They wouldn’t be seeing Ben. At least his powers let him see Ben. 

“They don’t know either.”

“But mom had figured it out when we were kids? I just thought that everyone knew and just,” Klaus shrugged, “didn’t care.”

Ben was Hurting at the idea, “No, no one but mom knew. You’re going to have to explain it all.”

“Then they’ll leave me alone about it?” Klaus whispered.

“Then they’ll help.”

Klaus scrunched up his nose, doubtful. They were reaching out more, after saving the world, but he doubted they’d care too much about him. And besides, how could they help? They couldn’t even see Ghosts.

“Talking to Ben?” Diego asked. “He knows what's going on with you?”

“Yeah,” Klaus agreed. “Said you guys don’t know, like he didn’t.”

“Sounds about right,” Diego agreed. “Going to fill us in?”

“I--” Klaus paused, thinking. “I am a Ghost Empath. I Know how They are Feeling, Always. But when They Reach Out to me, I don’t just Know Their Emotions, I Have Their Emotions. So when like, Helen Cho wanted to Kill Leonard and She was Touching me, I also Wanted to Kill him? Yes? When Esmeralda Wants to Play with Fire, I Want to Play with Fire. When Doug Wants a Drink--”

“You want a drink,” Diego sighed. 

“So they possess you?” Five questioned.

“No. I’m still me. Still Klaus. But They Influence me. I don’t always listen to Them, do what They Want.”

“Could have fooled me,” Diego said, gesturing to the burn. 

Klaus rolled his eyes, “No. I keep you all safe. I-- these cuts and things-- We Wanted to Kill you all and I can’t let that happen so I gotta-- I gotta deal with it. The Pain and Anger and Hurt.”

“What?” Luther spoke up. “You want to kill us? Who would want to kill us?”

Klaus rolled his eyes, “I dunno Luther, maybe your murder victims?”

“I haven’t murdered anyone!” Luther protested.

“We all have,” Klaus said. “What did you think you were doing as a kid? Murdering bank robbers. They didn’t need to die. Reggie trained us to take lives. _We did that._ ”

“But you weren’t like this growing up,” Vanya said. “You were what? Blocking them somehow?”

“Sure. Doug’s an Alcoholic. He Showed me. He Needed a Drink and baby me Drank. He said I was a good boy and then He Went Away,” Klaus eyed the bar in the back to the room, where Doug was. Thankfully Ben and Dave were closer, keeping him Calm and Loved.

“The drugs and alcohol,” Five muttered. 

“ _He said I was a good boy,_ ” Klaus whispered. “I try to not let Them catch me-- the Real Bad Ones but it’s hard. I am tired of running and hiding in my stupid fear.”

“This? Klaus, this doesn’t sound like a stupid fear,” Diego took his hand in his again. 

Klaus shrugged, “ _It is._ It’s a stupid fear. I shouldn’t-- I’m not a child anymore. I shouldn’t need to be watched like I am. I shouldn’t have to be told when I’m being bad because of Them. I-- I should be able to be me? _For always._ But I can’t keep Them out. It’s very hard to know where I end and They begin.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Allison asked. 

Klaus shook his head, “Not unless you can keep Them Away. I can only hope that when I become One of Them that I can stay myself. Until then I am made of skin and bone and Ghosts fill in the gaps that They have created.”

“Jesus Christ.”

Klaus then pulled his hand away from Diego, “Now if you excuse Us--”

“Klaus--”

“Ben and Dave,” Klaus answered the unsaid question. He and his two Best Ghosts left the rest of them in the living room to think on things. Klaus hoped that his family wouldn’t hate him now, not being able to trust him. How could they? How could you trust someone who wasn’t always themself?

It was the next day when Klaus was Going to the Roof because he Wanted to Look at the Ground and Dream about Falling when Vanya came up and wrapped her arms around him. When he was back to himself, he was shaking, crying in her grasp. She held on strong. “Thank you,” he whispered. She saved him from being a bad boy. 

And then later no one questioned as Klaus moved about the room as usual, changing seats, hissing at the Ghosts who followed him. He didn’t want to Feel Their Anger, but he wanted to see his family. So he moved seats often, getting away for a few minutes. In the end, he found himself wrapped warmly in Luther’s arms who didn’t care of Klaus was shaking in Anger, Cried on him, Cursed at him. The Ghosts eventually got escorted away by Dave and Ben and then Klaus could just relax in Luther’s grasp. In his gentle hug.

But after Klaus was quickly walking down the hallway, on a mission when Five came and lightly touched his arm, making him pause. “Where are you going so quickly?” Worry melted into his tone, into his grip.

Klaus smiled, “Mom made cookies! I’m on my way there!”

Five gave a nod and let him go, “Have fun.”

“Want to join me? She’ll have made enough cookies for all of us.”

Five glanced around him, “Will my Ghosts--?”

Klaus shrugged, “They aren’t here Yet. They’re not Always Here.”

Reaching out once more, Five pulled Klaus down to his level, “Listen to me. If They come and are too much, you tell me. _Understand?_ I will leave and take Them with me.”

Rolling his eyes, Klaus agreed. They went down to get cookies.

He was being an exceptional boy now, with his family watching out for him, giving him a guiding hand when he didn’t realize he was Hurting Himself, when he was Crying, when he was Cussing Up a Storm. 

They were protecting him as he protected them.

**Author's Note:**

> obliqueoptimsim @ tumblr


End file.
